Do you ever have one of those days, you are numb from feeling so many emotions? Today, I am having one of those days. I have overwhelming feelings that I know it’s time in my life to make major decisions, but I don’t feel I am capable of making them right now. I need….something, and I don’t know what it is. I know that it will be a big change, and I don’t like change, I like my comfort zone, even though my comfort zone is unhealthy for me. The decisions that I am facing are not as simple as deciding what to have for dinner…Oh, if only it were that simple. If only I could sit down and ask the most wise and moral person I’ve ever known, “Mamaw, what should I do?” God, if only… So, I put this decision off another day, and I simply share with you something I wrote one day for her. One of my most precious possessions in the world is an apron that my mamaw wore so much, it has patches and holes in it. Today, I buried my face in it and wept till my eyes are sore. I needed to feel close to her.
Blue Calico Apron
She slips it over her white hair, she has pinned in a bun.
Ties it at the waist of the pink dress she made by hand, so many years ago.
In one pocket, she places a neatly folded hanky. The one with little purple flowers.
Her day begins.
She is hanging the laundry out to dry on this warm, summer morning.
I see the blue calico prints waving in the air, as if it is saying, "good morning" to me.
I run to her in my bare feet. She pulls me close for a hug, reaches into the left pocket and pulls out a stick of juicy fruit gum; she knows it is my favorite.
I run to play with one of my cousins as she tells me to be careful. She was too late. I had already fallen, scraping my knee.
She rushes to my cry and carries me in the house. She reaches for the peroxide, I begin to cry harder.
She gently wiped my tears with the corner that has the blackberry stain from last summer.
Today I am cleaning the attic. I find a trunk, covered with dust.
Inside the trunk, I cry at the sight of the blue calico apron she wore that day and so many days like it.
I slip it over my hair, I have pinned in a bun. Tie it at my waist. I turn to look in the mirror, and for the first time in years, I see her again.
In Loving Memory of Mamaw
1900-1986
11 comments:
What a touching, affectionate entry in honor of your Mamaw. It is obvious how much love and affection you have for her. I don't know what decision it is that you have to make Mia, but I empathize about the difficulty of making life altering decisions. Just trust in God and yourself, I am sure you will do what is best for you and your loved ones. I will say a little prayer for you tonight, hopefully the burden you carry will lighten a bit.
This is beautiful Mia. Just beautiful. You don't have to change everything in one day or thought. Keep in mind only that whatever decision you next make is going to be because it makes you happy. This works for 5 minutes down the line, or in the starting of a "new you!" It's all about "quality of life." Giving this your best shot is something you do naturally day by day ... no need to let fears conquer good intentions. Our love Jamie
Awww... this is lovely, Mia. Truly beautiful. My parents are in West Virginia right now, splitting up my grandmother's things. I asked my mother to bring some of her perfume or her powder, something that smells like her. It won't last. The scent will fade. But memories, like the ones you've written here, they last forever. Luv you.
Beautiful tribute Mia. When you ask her questions, listen for the answer. Powerful stuff. This is an important time for you to be clear about intentions and take some time for yourself. Even if it's a bubble bath when everyone's asleep. You're asking all the "right" questions. Continue to be honest with yourself. The answers will come. :) Love you.
You had me in tears. I'm not usually at a loss for words but I am now.
((mia)) *sniffing* that is written with so much love that I can feel your mamaw's tenderness and love through your words. I am so sad for your tears :(
"I like my comfort zone, even though my comfort zone is unhealthy for me. "
and WOW, that statement rang so true with me I found myself reading it twice to absorb the impact of it....
*sigh*
Oh, what a beautiful poem. Actually whisks me back to when I was a kid and my grandmother would put peroxide on my skinned knees. Yes, I do have those days as well, I think its going around AOL-J like a virus, I think its just that time of year. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I dont. Glad you had a good cry though, and glad you have the apron as a memory. Priceless.
~Mary
What a beautiful and loving tribute to your Mamaw.
Mia, that was absolutely beautiful.....I totally understand what that blue calico apron means to you. I have a purse that contains a metal case with my Memere's fav perfume in it. Sometimes when I'm sad, or feel the need to remember her, I open that purse and breathe her in....
Decisions are never easy.... take your time, ok?
This was a beautiful tribute to your Mamaw. May her spirit speak to yours and give you the guidance you seek. {{{{Mia}}}} :-) ---Robbie
(((Mia))) I'm sorry you're feeling down. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
The story of your Mamaw is beautiful. My daughter called my mom mamaw too.
I find things that remind me. The simple things. Like a box of handmade Christmas ornaments, letters, pictures, cards....I cry my eyes out too.
Love you, Penny
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