Friday Stephen and I both had cabin fever. He wasn’t quite well enough to go back to school. My cousin invited us over for lunch! My mama also joined us. I was happy to get out, but afraid to take him to her house b/c it’s a brand-new house and I could just see my Taz, whirling around like a tornado, breaking one of her collectables. He was amazingly well behaved. Nosy, like his mama of course, he had to tour every room and see her stuff J But he did so with his little hands behind his back! I Wish he respected my stuff like that! At last, she showed him the baby squirrel she rescued at my mom’s last week. It had fallen out of it’s nest and was injured. She is keeping it indoors, safe from other animals until it’s well enough to go back into it’s habitat. He was in awe, watching it take the bottle.
Saturday I told my husband that I am tired of this place and I wanted to leave. He asked, “and go where?” With a sigh, I whispered, “Georgia.” He said, get up, get dressed, we’re going!” Uh, okay.. So we went all the way to GA and came all the way back! LOL. Hey, I’ll take what I can get! Stephen seemed to enjoy the view.
Today Stephen wakes us up, having a nightmare, which is unusual for him. Going in to check on him, I tried to calm him, I tried to wake him. He was whimpering and grunting, rigid, stiff as a board. He never woke from it, but did finally relax. An hour later, he wakes up, vomiting. I am now thinking it was a seizure. Why? I forgot his meds 2 days in a row! How can I be so stupid? I’m losing the ability to care for him. I hate to show weakness, but I need help, and there is NO one to help. His caseworker has tried desperately to find someone to help. He needs at least an LPN. Medicaid doesn’t pay those kind of wages. We had a skilled care provider once and it was not a good experience. She neglected him. When I found out that Alabama’s Medicaid pays in home nurse care less than McDonald’s wages, I understood why she can’t find anyone who is skilled enough. I’d rather do it myself and know that at least he is being loved. Stephen is my every thought, my every breath. I’ve felt a strong mixture of emotions this weekend. I am up and then I am down.
My entry started out on the upside and now I am ending on a low note. I apologize. I tried to be cheerful. I’ve had to stop typing 3 times because he was vomiting again. I'll update soon...
16 comments:
No need to apologize Mia. I'm glad you had a chance to get out. I'm feeling your frustration, tiredness and determination to do your best for Steven. I was wondering ... how about taking your needs to a local college. I know at least at our University, most of the psych/human service students needed to do internships. Maybe you could make an appointment to see the head of the psych department and check it out? Our love Ayn and all
Oh, Mia. Honey, you're human. You're going to make mistakes from time to time. We all know you love Stephen more than life itself...and that you're a wonderful mother to him. Please don't feel badly.
I just wish you could find a trusting , caring individual to help you out a little bit. Just so you can take some time for yourself and lift those spirits!
I really hope Mr. Stephen gets to feeling better soon. In my thoughts....
Love,
bridgett
By the way...that picture of the squirrel is adorable! What is that pot it's in?
(((((MIA))))) I am glad that you could get out even if only for a while. I think the picture of the squirrel is sooooo cute!!!! I am sorry that Stephen has not been feeling well. I hope and pray that you can find some help. Stephen is so blessed to have been entrusted to you for love and care on this earth. Don't be so hard on yourself Mia. And remember your journal is a place where you can drop off your tears and we will come to help you dry them. (((HUGS))) Much love to you~RC~
"I need help, and there is NO one to help." Have you looked into volunteer groups? I have a friend who has a "Special Needs' child and can't afford the LPN care. They found a group in NJ where they live that has trained people who volunteer their time to help in these situations. Most were parents/grandparents of "Special" Kids.
The rest of your weekend sounded great. Hey don't keep beating yourself up. Tell Stephen I said Hello. Bill.
Journal reading recap...poor Stephen sick again, clean sweep...lucky!, feeding bottle to what?, Georgia how far?, loving thoughtful husband, hard working sweet wife, darling child, oodles of journal readers, hello again, this is always a good place to visit.
Precious picture! Sorry you're struggling with Stephen - but remember, you're doing everything you can. Ride the waves of emotion. Keep breathing. xo
Awww.. poor, Mia. You're so overwhelmed, stretched so thin. I wish there were someone close by who could help with this burden. [Not that Stephen is a burden, but you know... the situation clearly is... ] I had no idea that in-home nurses were paid so little. That's insane. One day at a time, hon. I'll be thinking about you guys. Hope Stephen feels better soon. :(
((MIA))
I feel for you. I really do. and yet...all I can do is read an pray, I believe that is enough, but ya know...I still wish I could more. I do not believe your stupid though, I think stress just has a way of putting our brains to sleep sometimes. I belive it's a coping thing. and you have more on your plate that you can digest...make sense?
thinking of you always.
Whew!!! So many comments to comment on... I'll just put it all in one big comment and say, THANK YOU!!! What a bunch of nice journal-pals I have. I love you all for your compassion. Things are better now. Stephen is over his allergy/asthma for now. Thanks to all of you for your concern. I'll update soon!
I was smiling to myself reading how your "Taz" was so well behaved, and picturing him in my mind's eye enthralled with that tiny squirrel. Then my heart went out to him when I read the seizure. Don't beat yourself up Mia, please don't. You are a wonderful mother, but still human. You are not being neglectful, just that caring for him full time all by yourself with no relief can take its toll. Think of the incident as a gentle reminder not to forget next time.
Muse-Thanks, hon...I am terribly bad at stressing myself out by taking on too many tasks at one time. I've made a promise to myself that from now on, when he is sick...everything else takes a back seat to him and his needs :) Glad you enjoyed the vision. He was so cute!
Hey, how did I miss this entry? Isn't it great when our little ones surprise us and behave? Stephen sounds so cute walking around with his hands behind his back, while touring the house, lol. And the squirrel, awwwww...I just love baby animals. My uncle had a baby squirrel he raised for for 6 months. Kept trying to release it, but it would come back. Then one fall day, it bit him on the hand and disappeared : ( PS. If I lived closer to you, I'd help out in a heartbeat....
Awe, Michelle..how sweet and even though your hands are full with your own lil' ones, I do believe you would do that. :) My daddy rescued a baby squirrel and raised it when he was a young boy. He said he used to carry it around in his shirt pocket, all over town and it would never leave him.
You're human Mia. Don't beat yourself up over this. I realize that I'm late on writing as this happened a couple of weeks ago. You're a wonderful mother, you do so much for Stephen, and he is loved and he is cared for. And so are you. I think of you often and keep special prayers for you all. Breathe, relax, and don't forget to take care of YOU too.
Love you, Penny
Penny, thanks so much! I was having a low moment at the time and I feel better now. Thank GOD for aol-J friends and my family and friends here..
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