Diggin' through the archives

Getting to know me...

Digging through an old box under my bed this afternoon, I found a very old journal of mine. (I've been keeping one since I was in elementary school) I wiped the dust off of it, sneezed and coughed a little and realized why I've been waking up, sneezing and coughing every morning. Also in the box, a picture dated 1991. Oh, gosh..the big hair made me LOL! I turned it into a sketch as if I could somehow "hide" the old me that way. Also found a poem that I wrote way back then. You'd really have to know me to understand. Still, public journaling is about needing to be heard. At the time I wrote this, I wasn't really being "heard." I was finally hearing myself. I think we all do around a certain age. The poem is kind of silly, reading it now. I've been through so much since then. I thought those days were hard! If only I had known how much harder things were going to be. Well, it's a good thing I didn't know.

She lives life like there is no tomorrow -

Making decisions on a whim

considering not, the pain or sorrow…

Cool, calm, collected - Once upon a time

Where is she now?

Living in the land of the blind

I see her slipping away; I scream, “turn around!”

Maybe she has to lose herself… before she can be found

You picked a fine time to walk on the wild side…

Where is that cool, calm and collected woman now?

…She died….

Foolish woman, don’t cry - it’s too late

The life you are living is your self-made fate

Thursday Sweep Rolls Over Into Friday...

Whew! I love my SIL...but she's not kidding when it comes to "clean sweep!" Thursday was going to be the master bedroom. Turned into just the closet, and 3 dresser drawers! {gulp}she hasn't seen the books under my bed! She has diagnosed me with a shoe, photo and book sickness. I was only able to let go of 1 book, no photos, but lots of shoes! Yeah! I'm down to only 21 pair of shoes. I'll never tell you how many I actually had in the beginning, but it was enough to shoe every man, woman and child in my neighborhood! My poor husband, God bless him-only has 4 pair! *btw-which is correct when referring to more than one pair? Pair of shoes or Pairs of shoes? I've heard this both ways but usually say "pair" myself. Like I say, pant instead of pants.*

Stephen's dad got home from work early on Thursday and was able to watch Stephen for an hour while we worked. She insisted on going to Bed Bath and Beyond to choose things for the closet. I would have gone to Walmart.  I was amazed with her organizing skills! She's in the wrong profession. Yesterday, after she got off work, she brought her sewing machine over and for the first time since I was in home ec. I got behind a sewing machine and made curtains, with her guidance of course. It's easier than I remember. (I dropped out of home ec. after I made a disco skirt, which came unraveled one day before 2nd period and my brother had to bring something else for me to wear. How embarrassing that was) Why am I putting curtains over my closet you ask? I have one of those closets with the sliding doors that keep coming off track. This was a convenient fix for that. I've gotten a bit wordy. I've had 2 cups of coffee and no breakfast and it's almost 10 am! Stephen slept late but is up and ready to go. Next week is spring break. It's going up to the 80's with lots of sun today and we're getting out of here! Have a nice weekend!

Who is going to be the next American Idol?

American Idol on Fox

Has anyone else been watching American Idol? It was a tough vote for me last night. Last year, it was easy...I was pulling for Birmingham's very own Ruben Studdard from the very beginning. I loved Clay too, but I agreed with Simon, and thought his voice is more Broadway material. Clay will be appearing on the show tonight, singing his song, "Solitaire."  Also tonight, we will see who is staying another round and who is going. So far, my choices are::

George Huff- I love his smile! George beams of joy! He has a good voice and I find myself smiling back at him while he is performing.

Jon Peter Lewis-The kid can't dance (if you've been watching you know what I mean) but he has a good voice and a cute personality.

The women are the strong voices this year. This is going to be tough! I predict one of these three will be in the top 2:

Fantasia Barrino-This woman owns the stage! Reminds me so much of Tina Turner. Yeah, she's THAT good! She is my personal favorite out of all of the female contestants.

Diana Degarmo-Cute little girl, still in high school, but her voice totally rocks! Very, strong voice!

Jasmine Trias- Also very talented and has a strong voice. But I wasn't able to see or hear all of her performance (Stephen needed my attention at the time) But what I did hear, was very good.

If you've been watching...leave your thoughts, please!

Who did I vote for? :) My personal favorite male, George Huff. I love his smile, his voice and presence!

I tried to vote for Fantasia, but finally gave up because it was so busy. That's a good sign!

So, I better get going. Stephen keeps pulling the bacon out of the fridge and bringing it to me. Tonight, Stephen and I will be having a bacon, egg and cheese omelet :) And I'll be making a grilled chicken salad for dad. (his daddy has class tonight, so I'm making easy stuff) Tomorrow, Thursday Sweep is back! I need to rest up anyway. Take care!

Has She Gone Insane?

A Birmingham wife and mother made signs, sipped wine and read a Woman’s Day magazine at 1:00 PM Central time yesterday, in protest of being tired, overworked, and underpaid. When asked what took her so long to do so, she simply looked up from her magazine and said, “My AOL-Journal friends told me to!” Then, proceeded to take a sip. No, please allow me to rephrase that, she took a huge, gulp of Chardonnay and went back to the article she was reading on, Family Vacations Made Easy. Also in protest, she propped her feet on the ottoman and stretched out for about an hour. She had no further comments, other than a message to her AOL-Journal friends, thanking them for their advice, and also said that Stephen is well and back in school. Check back soon for updates.

Weekend Recap (So Far)

Friday Stephen and I both had cabin fever. He wasn’t quite well enough to go back to school. My cousin invited us over for lunch! My mama also joined us. I was happy to get out, but afraid to take him to her house b/c it’s a brand-new house and I could just see my Taz, whirling around like a tornado, breaking one of her collectables. He was amazingly well behaved. Nosy, like his mama of course, he had to tour every room and see her stuff J But he did so with his little hands behind his back! I Wish he respected my stuff like that! At last, she showed him the baby squirrel she rescued at my mom’s last week. It had fallen out of it’s nest and was injured. She is keeping it indoors, safe from other animals until it’s well enough to go back into it’s habitat. He was in awe, watching it take the bottle.

Saturday I told my husband that I am tired of this place and I wanted to leave. He asked, “and go where?” With a sigh, I whispered, “Georgia.” He said, get up, get dressed, we’re going!” Uh, okay.. So we went all the way to GA and came all the way back! LOL. Hey, I’ll take what I can get! Stephen seemed to enjoy the view.

Today Stephen wakes us up, having a nightmare, which is unusual for him. Going in to check on him, I tried to calm him, I tried to wake him. He was whimpering and grunting, rigid, stiff as a board. He never woke from it, but did finally relax. An hour later, he wakes up, vomiting. I am now thinking it was a seizure. Why? I forgot his meds 2 days in a row! How can I be so stupid? I’m losing the ability to care for him. I hate to show weakness, but I need help, and there is NO one to help. His caseworker has tried desperately to find someone to help. He needs at least an LPN. Medicaid doesn’t pay those kind of wages. We had a skilled care provider once and it was not a good experience. She neglected him. When I found out that Alabama’s Medicaid pays in home nurse care less than McDonald’s wages, I understood why she can’t find anyone who is skilled enough. I’d rather do it myself and know that at least he is being loved. Stephen is my every thought, my every breath. I’ve felt a strong mixture of emotions this weekend. I am up and then I am down.

My entry started out on the upside and now I am ending on a low note. I apologize. I tried to be cheerful. I’ve had to stop typing 3 times because he was vomiting again. I'll update soon...

Stephen Sick Again/Putting Off Thursday Sweep...

I couldn’t decide which picture was cutest, so I combined them. I love his smile in both of them. Stephen likes to initiate the hugs. I had to set the timer and literally chase him and force my hugs and kisses on him for these shots. I knew this weekend that he was coming down with something. How do I know with Stephen? He becomes a tornado! An F5 or above-like tornado. He’s about an f2 or so on a daily basis. Hence, the nickname Tazangel. I used to call him Tasmanian devil, but my mom thought it was a sin to have the name devil in his nickname, so I changed it. Usually, it’s just “Taz.” I was looking in the folder where I keep copies of his absence excuses and it was exactly one month ago, he went to the Dr. with severe asthma attacks. He missed 9 days of school last month. I believe that his heart condition makes it worse. Considering the way he is this morning, I would guess that it’ll be the middle of next week or later before he goes back to school. So much for Thursday Sweep. Pam just called me. She was so excited about tomorrow, then I had to let her down. I’m just excited that she’s excited to come back! I realized last month that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I know a few moms who have special needs children and their houses are so nice and organized. This made me doubt myself as a wife and mother. Why couldn’t I do it? They can! Last month I found out they all have the same housekeeper. Housekeeper? What’s that? That’s my job! I no longer beat myself up over not being superwoman. I just need a nanny and housekeeper. Yeah, when I win the lottery. I figured last night that I put in a 19 hr day! I’m always the first to get up, and the last to go to bed. Then, I can’t sleep. No wonder I look like hell and I’m losing weight. All those on diets, I’ll loan Stephen to you for one week, trust me, you won’t need a gym :P He’s also my personal weight machine. Seriously, I feel myself getting sick again. I need a vacation. I need low lights, and soft music. I need a warm beach. I need to be still and get wrapped up in a breathtaking sunset. I need a meal that I didn’t slave over. The one person I never spend enough time with is me. Yet, I feel lonely. How can that be? Must be the worry and lack of sleep, I find myself rambling on. I need more coffee. Keep Stephen in your prayers for me? I feel as though I open my mouth to pray and my words fall to the floor. I’m not getting through…

A Cluttered Home=A Cluttered Mind!

I know I haven’t updated in a while. I have a good reason. Last Thursday, my sister in law volunteered to give up her off day to come over and do a clean sweep. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the TV show? You would have to see their house to understand how mortified I was at first. They opted to not have children, so their home is their baby. It is everyone’s dream. It belongs in a magazine. Frankly, every time I visit them, I come home feeling depressed. In my life BC (before child) believe it or not, you could actually eat a meal on my floor, my house was so clean and polished. Well, come to think of it, you could eat on my floor now. If you were hungry enough. Especially around Stephen’s chair. He misses his mouth ½ the time and the other ½, he throws his food to the cats.

Anyway, I am a sentimental packrat. I’m sure I’ve mentioned that before. My SIL said I had enough makeup kits for a tv station. I used to do hair and makeup for proms and weddings and also did hair and makeup for Glamour Shots photo studios. So I was well equipped with the tons of products needed to make women beautiful. Only thing is, it was all going to waste. Believe me, even though I need it, I just don’t wear makeup like I used to. Most days, my hair is in a ponytail. No more do I go to parties, dine in nice restaurants etc. So, it was clearly stupid to hang onto the stuff. Several months ago, I gave 4 garbage bags of really nice cocktail dresses & shoes to charity. Thursday, I sent the rest of my collection. I can’t describe the pain in the pit of my stomach. The tears I held back. For me, this was more than cleaning, it was saying farewell to a part of my life which I truly loved at one time and I’ll never be that woman again. It was part of my identity. You’d have to know the old me. The me who wouldn’t dare go out to get the mail w/out makeup. The me, who was always tan. Pale skin and dark circles under my eyes is what I now see when I look in the mirror. Come to think of it, I wish I had donated my mirrors as well.

How do I feel today? Great! No regrets! I now have more shelves for the things I use daily. When it was all over, I donated 7 Hefty bags to Goodwill! I’m enjoying my clutter free space. Every Thursday is Thursday sweep, till every room is done! I honestly can’t believe she wants to come back, God Bless her :P