I'll worry about that tomorrow...

Do you ever have one of those days, you are numb from feeling so many emotions? Today, I am having one of those days. I have overwhelming feelings that I know it’s time in my life to make major decisions, but I don’t feel I am capable of making them right now. I need….something, and I don’t know what it is. I know that it will be a big change, and I don’t like change, I like my comfort zone, even though my comfort zone is unhealthy for me. The decisions that I am facing are not as simple as deciding what to have for dinner…Oh, if only it were that simple. If only I could sit down and ask the most wise and moral person I’ve ever known, “Mamaw, what should I do?” God, if only… So, I put this decision off another day, and I simply share with you something I wrote one day for her. One of my most precious possessions in the world is an apron that my mamaw wore so much, it has patches and holes in it. Today, I buried my face in it and wept till my eyes are sore. I needed to feel close to her.

Blue Calico Apron

She slips it over her white hair, she has pinned in a bun.
Ties it at the waist of the pink dress she made by hand, so many years ago.
In one pocket, she places a neatly folded hanky. The one with little purple flowers.
Her day begins.
She is hanging the laundry out to dry on this warm, summer morning.
I see the blue calico prints waving in the air, as if it is saying, "good morning" to me.
I run to her in my bare feet. She pulls me close for a hug, reaches into the left pocket and pulls out a stick of juicy fruit gum; she knows it is my favorite.
I run to play with one of my cousins as she tells me to be careful. She was too late. I had already fallen, scraping my knee.
She rushes to my cry and carries me in the house. She reaches for the peroxide, I begin to cry harder.
She gently wiped my tears with the corner that has the blackberry stain from last summer.
Today I am cleaning the attic. I find a trunk, covered with dust.
Inside the trunk, I cry at the sight of the blue calico apron she wore that day and so many days like it.
I slip it over my hair, I have pinned in a bun. Tie it at my waist. I turn to look in the mirror, and for the first time in years, I see her again.

In Loving Memory of Mamaw

1900-1986

Stephen's Morning Routine

I keep forgetting to work on my journal from Internet Explorer…I am guessing that is why the above photo is fuzzy-looking?

Do you remember a while back, I mentioned our evening routine that we do with picsyms communication? The above collage of photos are part of our morning routine. *Picsyms* is communication used by individuals who are nonverbal and unable to express themselves with sign language. Although Stephen understands a lot of basic sign, he doesn’t have the fine motor skills, to express himself through sign. The schedule is sort of like a to-do list, like you and I would use. It’s great for helping him remember what is going to happen next. (In fact, I think it’d be a great tool for toddlers!)

(You can see the TV in the background, he is watching “Elmo’s world” on Sesame Street this morning) J This was around breakfast time, and he was (1) getting his milk out of the refrigerator. (2) the green strip on the side of the fridge is his picsym schedule. He is removing his picsym of “milk” from the schedule. (3) he places the pic of milk in the envelope, labeled, “finished” beside it. (4) he decided to take the envelope off the fridge (He’s not supposed to do this, but, what the hey?) to take all of the pics out and look them over… He has a strange obsession for Velcro, and unfortunately, the pictures and the schedule have Velcro on the back and he played with this for a little while. But, that is okay with me, as you can see if you squint hard enough in pic #4, his sippy cup is empty. He is Finished with his milk, and even put the empty cup on the counter instead of rolling it under a piece of furniture! And Yes, Ayn..You were correct in your last comment; Our little man is gaining a little independence and it’s really cool to witness this, as he is learning a lot this year! Stephen is a very smart child and once he learns something, he never, ever forgets it. I will stop boring you with all of this for now. I can swear I just heard someone yawn. I had to put this is my journal to remind myself we’ve accomplished something important, next time I am having a pity party. I’ll update soon. I’m really on a roll lately!

The Day After...

The Day After…

My rosebud is open and Stephen’s box of candy is empty…

If you notice close enough, you’ll see he left a smear of chocolate on the side of the box.

I walked in the kitchen this morning, and my darling son was having chocolate candy for breakfast J His chin was dripping with gooey chocolate. When he heard me gasp, he looked up and jumped, sure that he was in trouble. But, when he saw me smile really big, he grinned a sigh of relief from ear to ear.. Exposing his chocolate coated teeth.. I hugged him tight as we laughed together, and I felt disappointed that my camera didn’t have batteries in it. I wanted so much to share that moment with you guys.

I’m sorry to say that by the time I got the camera ready, there was nothing left of this experience, except for that smear on the box. Of course, having a white sofa.. I grabbed a washcloth and wiped him clean before I went for the camera. :P (I’m sure y’all understand)

BTW…I want to wish a Very Happy Anniversary today to..

 My cousins, Beverly and Joe : 30 yrs

 And also to Babyshark and Irun : 17 yrs.

Love has been in the air this weekend!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!  I hope this weekend finds each of you, happy! 

Thank you all so much for the nice comments and well wishes for Stephen.  He is doing okay. Still, he is wheezing and coughing a lot, in spite of finishing all of his meds. Zithromax for the ear infection, Orapred for the inflammation in his lungs. Of course, he is still getting 'round the clock breathing treatments. He is very happy and even more hyper than usual.(thanks to the albuterol)  So, as long as he is able to be up and moving, I feel that he'll be okay. I am not sure if he'll be ready for school on Tuesday. We'll see.

So, what are your Valentine's plans? We will do our usual Saturday night thing. Pig out in front of the TV with Stephen. [Probably] order pizza. Not really sure about dinner yet, I'm leaning towards the easy way out.

 Above, is the pink rose, splashed with glitter that Stephen (and his daddy) gave me last night. Aren't I blessed? 

It's going to be a long week

Only a true little trooper would smile like this, when he is having back to back asthma attacks, fever and an ear infection. I’ve gotta tell ya, I sure don’t have it in me to be this brave. What a guy J

Yesterday, we took Stephen to the Dr. bc he’d been coughing all weekend, and had a mild fever. To make things a bit more interesting, he decided on Sunday evening that he’d give raw hamburger meat a try, while his dad was making a burger! If you know me, you realize that I completely freaked! All we can do is watch him close for any changes. His Dr. said that chances are, he’ll be just fine. I’d rather hear, “He’ll be fine, no doubt. Don’t worry, a little raw hamburger won’t kill ya.” That would make me feel at ease. “Chances are, he’ll be fine” just isn’t good enough for me. So, I will worry like I always do anyway, for the next week. I read on the internet that symptoms of E Coli usually begin within 3-4 days, but could be as early as 1 day, or as many as 14. Any of my medial profession pals know anything about E Coli? Penny? Bridgette? Jan? Oh, and Jan, we are giving him ‘round the clock breathing treatments with albuterol until the cough is gone. Plus, she started him on Pulmicort, 2 x a day until this season has passed. Darn, we thought he was outgrowing asthma L

Last night, I added up the cost of meds per month for Stephen and me. $942.00! Shocker isn’t it? His disability insurance covers most of his, but I could pay a car payment with what mine normally costs!

 I was talking to a senior citizen client yesterday, rescheduling her hair appointment, and found myself discussing my health woes, right along with her for an hour on the phone. She is 74 yrs old. When I hung up the phone, I thought, “I’m too young to feel this old”  I used to be so energetic. Y’all keep Stephen in your prayers. I’ll update asap. Thanks!

I Want Horses

Once upon a time, I wanted a place in the country, with horses. We do live in the country, but these horses belong to our neighbors. Every day when I leave the house, and come back, I slow down and admire these beautiful creatures, and in return, they stare back at me. I really don’t know a lot about horses. In fact, I’ve been a little afraid of them since I was a little girl. I had a cousin who was in the rodeo. He had horses, and he used to ride his most kid-friendly horse to our house (that was way back in the day our town had a population of about 1,000 people. Now, it’s 24,000) I used to love to ride that horse. My cousin’s name was Edward; he was killed when I was about 10. He died doing what he loved, although it was dangerous. He was riding a bull in the rodeo. He was thrown from the bull and trampled, then was pierced in the chest by the bull’s horns. I remember Edward stopped me from walking behind a horse one day, telling me to never walk within kicking distance behind a horse. I was shocked and said, “what? You mean, a horse would kick me? Hurt me? So, having an innate fear of, well…everything, I avoided horses all together, except from a distance. Until a few years ago when Stephen’s dad talked me into letting Stephen ride a horse, while the guide walked beside them. All of a sudden, I remembered that feeling of being on Edward’s horse, and stroking it’s mane, petting him, feeding him apples. My fear of horses began to slip away when I saw how gentle this horse was with Stephen. I was afraid to let him ride a horse bc I thought the horse would scare too easy. It was amazing to watch. We have a special equestrian ranch outside of town. I want to enroll Stephen for riding. It does wonders for those with CP. It helps balance control, and a number of other things. But what amazes me, is how calming it is for Stephen. He loves horses. Sometimes he and his dad walk down to the pasture and feed these horses. Today, we stopped the truck when we saw them, and they began walking to the fence. I had my camera and wanted to get a few pics. Turned out to be very calming for me. I’ve been stressed lately, worried about mama. The horses came straight to me like they were saying, “finally, you are not just looking at us. You came for a visit!” I didn’t reach out to pet them, they reached out to me! The fear has been broken. I could have stayed for hours.

Things I've learned recently

I've been spending a lot of one on one time with my mom in the last few weeks, during her flare-up with her back and leg. I've learned a few things too. I've learned that my Mom isn't as strong as I thought. What I mean is, she is getting weaker, right before my eyes. It's been hitting me hard lately. My parents are aging. I'm not dealing with it very well. My own personal life is in such turmoil, I feel that I need them more now, than I did when I was younger. I'm not ready for them to age, I feel as though I still need their parenting. Can you relate?

I just got back from the ER with mom. I wanted to cry on the way home, and honest to God, the sting was in my eyes and the tears wouldn't come. Of course, now that I am in front of the computer, my tears flow like a river. I must cry through my fingers. I spent the day with mama, till time for Stephen to get home, and then daddy called me at 5:15 and said her pain was even worse than when I was there & he was taking her to the ER. I met my brother there at 6 (he's the one beside me in the above pic & of course the lovely couple on the left is our parents) We followed mom and dad home from the hospital, and I made coffee and supper for Randy and Daddy. Mom sat there, moaning with pain, yet, managed to tell me how to do everything. Mom cried today in front of me for the 1st time since mamaw died. My whole life, I've seen my daddy break down and cry more than mama. I have learned that she is JUST LIKE ME! She cries when no one else is around. I am a private griever, myself. I sometimes cry while I write. One time, mama didn't know I was watching, I watched her cry while she played, Amazing Grace on the piano. That was shortly after Papaw died. I imagine she was remembering how she played piano in church, while Papaw preached the word of God. Anyway, I know I am rambling and subject jumping (Trish & SloMo:-) I do this more when I am tired. Stephen was already sleeping soundly when I got home tonight. I went in & kissed him, he let out a long sigh. I then took some meds for my own pain and came in here to get this out. I feel better now. I'm not crying anymore. Another thing I learned after scanning the above photo. We've all aged! The picture was taken on June 23, 1990 on my brother's wedding day. I've learned that time slips by before you know it Especially your parent's time.