Some of my old AOL-J friends may have noticed that my "old" writing style is gone. Or, maybe, I've just misplaced it. Maybe...I'm suffering from writer's block. I'm not really sure what is going on with me. I'm not what I would call "depressed" I feel okay. Not very sad. Not very happy. I just feel...unreachable. Sort of like the photo of Stephen up there, taken last Monday at the playground, behind the fire station. I feel like I'm in a tunnel. A few months back, I wrote a few articles that I don't feel are worthy to post or to do anything with at this time. So, I keep them, tucked away for now. It's been a really long time since I've written anything that I feel good about. I am always writing in my mind, and I just don't have time to sit down and get the words into the computer. When I do have time, I just don't feel the desire.
Then, I think about Stephen. He is always in that tunnel. Words inside his head, but no way to get them out. This thought consumes me. How frustrating that must be for him.
Does anyone doubt that I worry - - a lot? I get it honestly. I come from a long-line of worriers. My Mother is now the queen of worriers, coming in a very close 2nd to her mother before her.
Note to self...
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles.
It empties today of its strength....
Author Unknown
14 comments:
Yes I worry about stuff alot. Lately I have been so busy I cant worry. Its just been one fiasco after a nother. The hospital first thing yesterday morning said did one of the family members take your grandmothers pills home? They tried to pin the missing pills on us!!!!!! Come to find out they had been missing for a week beore they told us. My grandmother kept telling them that some nurse took the pain meds out of her room. Whats strange to me is that she took only that bottle when she had a whole plastic case of meds she took in with her. !!!!!!! I MADE the head nurse and case worker have a meeting with me and Told them it was time to send her home. They got the dr and sent her home that evening late. They are suppose to replace the pills. I got a whole entry I have to post on yesterdays fiasco. I have several journal entreis in which I wrote in my title on the pages I was feeling disconeected or not apart of things. It in the title part of my page. I htink its something going around. Sorry you feel this way NOt much I can say to help . the only thing now is that I have al this STUFF going on I dont have time to t hink of how I feel with family in from out of town and the issues with my grandmother and the tug of war trying with in the family and power struggle to try to keep the appropirate care for my grandmother. I think my whole next entry will be of that. I ll pray you get that sun shinny writers feeling back and be able to write. Lori
Mia, everyone gets in ruts....(I like your analogy of a tunnel) But the good thing about tunnels are if you keep the faith, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure that Stephen is frustrated sometimes when trying to communicate. But the amazing thing about children is, they just accept how things are and they are ok and happy with life anyways. He doesn't miss his speech as much as you long to hear your sweet child talk to you. Did that make any sense?
Hugs to ya Mia, that you're feeling better soon. And I just love that quote up there, how true, how true....
Lori-Thanks, hon. I know you've been so overwhelmed these days. I'm glad to hear that you were able to talk to the Dr and have something done. Finally. I hope your life calms down soon, too!
Michelle-Yes, that makes perfect sense. And I needed to be reminded of that today. {{thanks}} :)
Personally, I think writing is like life, it ebbs and flows. Our style changes with what is weighing on our hearts. Follow the flow and don't be concerned with whatever the style is that you think you should have. You are showing Stephen how he can communicate in this world which I think is wonderful. Stephen has the intelligence to develop his own language and you in your love understand him. Even though this picture has a sad look to it to you, I think it has an artistic flare and looks beautiful. It's all perception. :-) ---Robbie
The picture of you and your father is so wonderful.
When we come from Spring into Summer, there is a melancholy that overtakes most of us. I don't know why though, maybe it's our karma telling us to slow down and live easy. The picture of Steven in the 'tunnel' is beautiful, you can see his joy.
LOVE that quote!
I come from a long line of worriers too, I think I will send it to my mom. :)
I am sorry your feeling "numb" I get that way too at times, like your just a boat floating at sea, with no direction...no wind.
I hope you find your wind soon.
and yes, it must be frustrating for Stephen...I think of those kinds of things as well.
Sweetie,
I can completely understand your worries! My nephew's son has CP and they are having such a hard time dealing with all of it. You worry about how much these precious children are going to be able to accomplish in this life...you worry if you are doing all you can for them...on and on and on.
You are doing a fantastic job Mia. I know Stephen feels loved by you every single day.
We all get down in the dumps. It's a human response. You will find your way back.
Much love and hugs,
Connie
I am a huge worrier and for all of us worriers out there we should read the quote you posted every single day. It's wonderful
I worry and all it has ever gotten me is indigestion. I doubt that my worrying has ever changed the outcome of anything I've worried about. Now, your remarks today make me wonder (worry) that what I'm writing is not "worthy to post or do anything with". Please let me know if you are a hand wringer, sweater, or a hold yourself rocking back and forth in a chair worrier. That way I can change my style so I worry with you and like you. Now, maybe that will give you something to worry about. :-)). The only thing in life we have to worry about is how long it will last. Use you fantastic love for Stephen to get you through each day and help you calm all your fears and quit worrying. My Regards, Bill.
I don't think anyone could blame you for worrying. Worrying is the greatest trademark of a mother. It's just what we do. I'm sorry you've been feeling outside yourself, hon. I find that feeling comes and goes.. but when it's there, it's often debilitating. Just keep moving, honey. Look for any reason to smile, laugh, feel fortunate. They're there.. you just have to seek them out and not be blind to them. I love you!
[I've really gotten behind in my comments]
Robbie-right on, it's all in the perception. :) Thanks!
Jamcs-Thank you! I need to have more pics make of daddy. I was able to get pictures of him in the garden that day, but it had been raining and he wasn't able to work in it. But, I got a good shot of him, posing in front of it :) Yeah, Stephen was very happy that day! He is, most days.
Sharkey-Thanks for your kind words. It's just a writer's numbness. I'm okay otherwise. Other than the worry, worry stuff. I'm sorry that you know that feeling. It's not good, is it? Yes, send that quote to your mom. I hope it helps her too. We all need to read that one daily.
Connie-I didn't know you had a loved one with CP. It is so hard to watch them struggle. Thanks for your kindness!
db-You've had a lot to deal with lately. It's almost impossible to not worry over some things, isn't it? Yes, we do all need to repeat that quote till it sinks in.
Bill-I am a hand-ringer I guess :) Which could easily turn into rocking back and forth, if I let it. lol. Your material is VERY much reading. My whole family is loving your recent story!
SloMo-Yes, I feel as though it's my "job" to worry. I guess mama set a fine example. lol... I'm trying so hard to defy the learned behavior. It's hard to fight. I smile and laugh, way more than I probably should, given my circumstances at the time. lol! But, I do it, just so I win.
thanks for the kind words.
Mia, I totally know how you feel...I get this way from time to time myself. Its a good place to be in or it can be because when you open up and write again it will show what you were going thru and all the feelings in your writing :) I hope all is well and I love the pic of Stephen! I hope he is doing good also!
{{{hug}}}
Christina
Mia - I know the entries have moved forward, but I wanted to comment on the beauty of Stephen's picture. When I saw it I was overwhelmed in a state of peaceful resolution. Stephen rarely looks like he is worrying. I could feel with him the smoothness on the tunnel and think how it must delight him to confidently overcome the challenges of the tunnel's curves. It must look, feel, and place him in other sensory feelings than when, for say ... he's laying on the living room floor or couch. I look very happily forward to the images we hope you will post of that lovely child of yours on a beach. Can already imagine him sifting the sand through his fingers. What a glorious warmth that might cross his mind ... and perhaps, yours too? Vacation is feeling near enough to breath a sigh relief!
Oh Mia, I'm sorry I missed this day. I love this entry. Stream-of-consciousness writing at its best. The picture of Stephen speaks volumes - as always. Please remember the final quote in this entry. That will add years on to your life! Love you!
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